Verse, Chorus, Verse

Untitled No. 2

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 08:45:09 GMT

Another untitled rhythm track that I came up with about three months ago. My wife ordered me a wonderful USB cable that will plug directly into the Zoom 9002 and also features drum tracking and mixing software as well, so this should do away with a lot of the fingernail-chewing and playing with audio settings that usually makes something plugged directly into the IN input on the laptop's sound card come out really awful. Theoretically, this will make it a whole hell of a lot easier, and since most Saturdays she'll be at work for tax season, this will give me plenty of opportunities to put my money where my mouth is.

I haven't played recently, but I'm looking forward to doing so again, most likely right after I get done with the edits to Salvation and before I attend the 2010 San Francisco Writers' Conference. Until then, as you were.

Things I Accomplished This Weekend

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 07:20:08 GMT

1) Helped finish off the bathroom closet project, which is only about three years past its original target completion date. It looks good; real good. In fact, it looks like an original piece of rhe house, so now we have a walk-in closet in our bathroom for all our stuff.

2) Hung the Christmas lights on the outside of the house without falling off the ladder, although it nearly happened three times. The third time, I had to grab the gutter to steady myself. My heartbeat returned to normal a couple minutes later.

3) Watched the Oakland Raiders beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. As I said so eloquently, "HolyfuckingshitIcan'tbelievetheywon!"

4) Got all the laundry done.

5) Spent time with my loving, lovely wife and set up her Facebook page for her.

6) Pulled a muscle in my back. Not all my accomplishments were positive.

7) Made very good progress with Salvation. I started off at 71,000 words, and by the time I was cutting stuff out and reinserted some new text, I was only up to 63,000 words. Considering draft one of this project clocked in at just over 121,000 words, never let it be said that I can't make that river of blood flow with the best of them.

8) Watched the movie Dark Water with Jennifer Connelly. She was hot, the movie was not.

It was a pretty good weekend. How was yours?

Oh, Yeah...

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 07:27:43 GMT

By the way, I got interviewed briefly on Good Day, Sacramento in regards to National Novel Writing Month. I'm the guy with the red laptop and long hair under "Did They Finish Their Novels In 30 Days?"

Should have posted this earlier but I've been busy. As you were.

Nuts N Bolts

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 07:24:18 GMT

After carving out large chunks of Salvation, I now have a novel with large holes in it but also about 12,000 words lighter. I'll probably end up replacing a third to a half of those excised words, which should put me at about 65,000 words when the blood and smoke clears away. I finally figured out how to take some large "speech sections," or what spodchick1 would refer to as visits from the Exposition Fairy and boil them down into scenes that not only move the novel along, they also involve the reader with what is going on.

After all, what's the use of having magic in your book if you can't use it to speed along the plot every now and then? ;)

Back To The Drawing Board, Part... Whatever

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:49:39 GMT

Would you believe I am soon going to be starting on another round of edits to that seemingly endlessly dry-docked polemic, Salvation? Believe it, because it's happening.

Diamonds don't come out of the ground ready to be set in a ring, after all.

A Puff Of Brimstone, And...

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 09:03:42 GMT

50,075.

I did it. I beat NaNoWriMo for the fourth year in a row. I'm also four chapters from the end of the book, but for now, that's something I can think about later. I also went back over the material. It rambles a bit, but I like it. It has an authentic feel to it all.

Maybe when I'm done, Dead of Winter will be coming to this space. Stay tuned, and enjoy the rest of your weekend. I know I will. ;)

Progress, Breakdowns & Barging The Line

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 06:22:39 GMT

Time for a literary update, of a sort. So far the word count for Dead of Winter stands at 37,122 words, and I am currently on Chapter Eleven. Now, especially when one bears in mind that I had only gotten about three hundred and fifty words into Chapter Eight before switching gears (sometimes it helps to jump around if you're in a word count vs. deadline situation; linear writing is not always conducive to a timely finish), the fact that I'm three-quarters done and am at just a bit over the halfway point of the novel shows that the chapters are definitely longer than I thought they'd be. It means that some editing will be necessary in the future--but then again, when the fuck isn't it?

On a completely unrelated note, the Oakland Raiders beat the Bengals O' Cincy today, and I was shocked.

I lost almost all of last week for writing; in fact, yesterday was the first day I had done any writing on Dead of Winter since last Sunday. This was directly tied to some issues I had last week with medication I was taking for anxiety, which had the horrible effect of not only intensifying what I was feeling, but also dropping me into that state for up to twelve hours at a time. Believe me when I say that I would rather have a broken arm than ever go through it again. I'll make a post on it in detail later this week.

Oh, and Mad Evil Chris and I went to the Ski and Snowboard Expo at Cal Expo on Saturday. In addition to getting him snowboard bindings for seventy dollars when he'd thought he'd have to pay two hundred, we also cheated the lines outrageously. With your entry free you get a free lift ticket (a great deal as long as you don't look at the fine print too closely), but the line to have it redeemed stretched... well, around the entire damn show.

This required quick thinking. Specifically, slimy thinking. "Follow me," I said.

Chris and I started browsing around the display next to the front of the line, and then I said, "Oh, we better go get our lift tickets validated before we really get started shopping." So I stepped up to one of the guys with the computers, handed over my info, told him about my injured collarbone from last year (thereby gaining me instant "slope cred"), got my ticket and thanked him kindly. So did Chris. Only then did he notice the line that stretched behind us... then one that went on seemingly forever.

"Did you know about that?" he asked suspiciously.

"I had an idea," I said innocently. "Now, let's go get those bindings since we just saved ourselves two hours, huh?"

Moral of the story: act like you know what you're doing, and rarely will anyone question you.

How was your weekend?

15 Head-Shaking Facts About Me

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:29:54 GMT

Flush red. Here we go...

1) To this day, I can't think too much about the story "The Velveteen Rabbit" without getting choked up. It's one of the most effective horror stories ever written.

2) When I was in college and heard Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette, I wanted to make her chicken soup and tell her everything was going to be okay, that not all guys were slime. I don't think the results would have gone according to my nefarious plans.

3) The fact that I picture Zach Braff from Scrubs singing "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey doesn't stop me from trying to sing along.

4) I bawled like a baby at the end of the film Watership Down... at age twenty-two.

5) I also bawled like a baby when Caesar the Primary Cat died, for three days. I still miss you, little buddy. Thank you so much for opening my heart to all the cats of the world.

6) Like Jessica Mayes, the hot bastion of common sense, I am also a big Grey's Anatomy fan.

6a) Based on this, I tried out Private Practice. It's a steaming trough of pig shit.

6b) I also think Callie Torres and Mark Sloan should have their own show if anybody is gonna get a spinoff and furthermore, I think Callie Torres is awful damn hot. Real women have curves, damnit.

7) I would shave my head if it landed me a publishing contract. If I am guaranteed a besteller and don't have to have my day job any more, I'd keep it chrome-domed.

8) I used to be a big professional wrestling fan.

9) Not only was I very entertained by Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, I plan on buying it on blu-ray.

10) I always thought the She-Hulk was sexy. Strong, aggressive, curvy, able to whip more ass than a jockey's whip... and the green skin didn't throw me off.

11) I think I'm a better guitar player than I am. That may also extend to my writing ability as well, but I'm in too deep to quit now :)

12) I watch some shows on ESPN just so I can yell things like "Idiot!", "Jackass!" and "Fuck you, Jay Mariotti!" at the screen. I also like to think I know more about sports than half the people they employ, and I'm probably right about that.

13) Speaking of sports, I own 17 sports jerseys. yes, you read that right: seven-fucking-teen.

14) I saw Revenge Of The Nerds 2: Nerds In Paradise. In the theaters. For full price.

15) Finally, I'm a huge J.D. Robb fan, but I can't stand what Nora Roberts writes.

Dead of Winter, Zombies & Living Death

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:30:46 GMT

I haven't posted any updates lately on the progress of Dead of Winter, but it bears mentioning that I am now just a shade under 30k with half the month gone, which gives me about two to three days worth of cushion on the writing front. Since I fully expect there will be a couple days in there where I don't get to write because of household chores, trips to store or I just plain don't feel like it, it's good to have that little bit. I also hope to get some more writing done tonight, because every little bit helps.

On a purely nuts-and-bolts level, it's kind of interesting to see how the chapters have stretched out to be a bit longer than I expected them to be. I originally planned the novel to have a prologue and then nineteen chapters, all at 2,500 words estimated apiece in order to assure a 50k finish. However, I have just started Chapter Ten and am about to bust through the 30k mark, so my chapters are running a little longer than expected. This, of course, is perfectly fine.

Doom 3 is one of the best games ever. Major, major scare factor, gorgeously rendered 3-D engine, stunning lighting effects that give it a horribly authentic feel... yes, the geniuses at id Software did this job a little too well, possibly. I am going to have to get myself a copy of Quake IV, which also uses the Doom 3 engine. Good stuff.

Oh, and the NFL staggers on. At least, it staggers in our region of the country. Staggers like a smelly zombie, come to think of it.

There was some horrible football this week courtesy of the 49ers and Raiders, the difference being that the Niners won their game and the Raiders didn't, against a team that only had one win for the entire season thus far. By playing the Raiders, they doubled this total. This was not surprising in the least; in fact, I picked against the Raiders this week in our pick 'em football league. The Raiders are so fucking bad that I have really stopped caring about this franchise. I really have. The losses don't bother me any more, and that's a sign that the franchise is really in trouble.

Can't wait until the Steve McNair Tennessee Titans jersey arrives. Um... sooooooo, when does baseball season start?

Spit. Retch. Rinse. Repeat.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:28:05 GMT

The Sunday afternoon NFL game between the visiting Kansas City Chiefs and the Oakland Raiders will be blacked out locally, in accordance with the NFL's dunderheaded rule that states a team which does not sell out the home game 72 hours before kickoff will not have that game broadcast in a 75 mile radius of the stadium where it takes places. For the record, this will be the 73rd blackout posted in 117 home games since the Raiders returned from Los Angeles in 1995.

But wait; things get worse. Since their appearance in Super Bowl XXXVII against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (a 48-21 shellacking that was not even remotely as close as the final score indicated; at one point, it was 34-3 Tampa Bay), the Raiders have a regular season record of 26-78, which is worse than the Lions, Bengals, Browns and any other rotten NFL franchise you can think of. Think of that: as soon as the final gun of the Super Bowl ends, you nose-dive to worst fucking record in the league.

This is the fourth consecutive home game that will be blacked out, but to me, there is no mystery in this. People aren't paying to watch horrible football. Would you? To put it another way, this would be like the Oakland A's going 41-121 for seven years in a row. Even the Washington Nationals would look like a powerhouse by comparison.

I have actually encouraged my fellow fans to boycott the games.

This is what it is to be a fan of the Oakland Raiders in 2009... and 2008... and 2007... and 2006... and 2005... and 2004... and 2003.

Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, but this game also had two weeks to go for a sellout rather than the typical one, because the Raiders had a bye week recently. The fact that the snippets I have seen of the Coliseum being (generously estimated at) two-thirds full should tell you all you need to know.

Not Everything That Involves A Goat Is Good

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:30:42 GMT

Yesterday my wife and I drove down to my dad's house to visit he and my mother and while we were there, took in a movie. We saw The Men Who Stare At Goats, (TMWSAG for short) and although I can't speak for what everyone else was expecting, I was at least wanting a few laughs. After all, that's how the movie was billed, if you have been (un?)fortunate enough to have seen the trailer.

This is really not the case. It's not a case of the movie being billed as something that it is not; my hallmark example in this arena is the Kevin Spacey/Frank Whaley movie Swimming With Sharks, which is billed as a comedy in every video store I've ever seen it in, and the movie is not a comedy in any shape, manner or form. TMWSAG is lacking in laughs because, quite simply, it is a bad movie. I know that if I sat down and broke bread with the critics who gave it such glowing reviews--and it should be noted for the record that these people are in the minority--that in all likelihood they would tell me I "didn't get the movie the way it was intended to be experienced" or some other claptrap that implies I am the one at fault for not appreciating what the filmmakers were trying to do. I respond to this as I always do when I told that I'm not erudite enough to appreciate the subtle nuances of celluloid fuck-fests like this; by pointing out I am a certified genius, and then making a rude noise.

This movie attempts to elicit the majority of its yucks by juxtaposing wildly opposite things, which is a standard of comedic filmmaking. In this case, it is hippies and the U.S. military. Any intrinsic comedy in this image usually disappears about the third time it makes its way on screen, and this bell is rung over and over again. Unfortunately, this has much the opposite effect; instead of chuckling each time Jeff Bridges or George Clooney does something very flower-child in the middle of their olive drag outfitted compatriots, you begin to wonder just exactly how realistic this portrayal is. Wouldn't somebody step in at some point and tell Bridges that he needed to hack off his two-foot-plus long ponytail? I mena, really?

It's particularly sad because the casting feels so wrong, and it's not because the actors themselves are bad at their craft. Jeff Bridges' legendary performance of The Dude in The Big Lebowski feels recycled here, and George Clooney (who was so comedically good in Leatherheads, O Brother Where Art Thou? and Burn After Reading) is trying to make the best out of a bad script. Kevin Spacey is given virtually nothing to do, and any filmmaker who wastes a talent like that should tarred and feathered. The main spotlight goes to Ewan MacGregor, who although is a nice, serviceable actor, gets the majority of the non-flashback related screen time and is forced to play straight man to Clooney, whose jokes are unfunny to begin with. There are also no women in this movie, which has the added effect of making it feel woefully imbalanced.

TMWSAG wants to be a hip, ironic, dark comedy, but without any comedy, it makes it feel like New Age superficial twaddle. Avoid this film at all costs. If you have to chew off a limb to escape the cinema turnstiles, I'll loan you a nail file to make your teeth sharper and speed up the God-awful job. The one saving grace of the nearly two hours if my life that I will never get back is that I saw a preview for next year's horror film The Crazies, a remake of the 1973 George Romero film starring Timothy Olyphant, who was soo good in Deadwood that I gave the awful film Hitman a try on Netflix. The Crazies looks dark, horrific and thoroughly entertaining.

The Men Who Stare At Goats: it's sad when a preview becomes the saving grace for an entire afternoon.

A Damned Good Deal

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:40:29 GMT

Okay, so you've heard me trumpeting the greatness of Jim Butcher for the past couple years in this space, and while I love his series The Dresden Files (also available as an alternate universe television show on DVD which aired on the Sci-Fi Channel), I'm even more impressed by his high fantasy series, The Codex Alera. The story is that Butcher took a bet from one of his pals that he couldn't write a fantasy series which involved Roman soldiers and Pokemon-style monsters, and not only did he succeed, he created the best fantasy series since... um, well, ever.

Now, y'all know that I love a good book, but I also love a great deal as well. The final book in the six novel series, First Lord's Fury, is going to be released on November 22nd. If you pre-order this book on Amazon.com, the usual twenty-five dollar or so price has been slashed to an unheard-of low, low price of exactly NINE FUCKING DOLLARS.

I repeat: nine fucking dollars. For a hardcover book that's probably going to be better than any other one you read this year. If you pass on this deal, do not pass Go and collect your two hundred dollars. Instead, receive a kick in the ass.

Now go get the first five novels, read those, pre-order the final one at a whopping discount, read the climax of the best damn fantasy series to ever come down the pike, and then, and only then, you may thank me.

Good stuff should always be shared. Now go and do likewise.

Day Four Metrics And Other Stuff

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:51:24 GMT

The word count at the end of today on Dead of Winter was 12,323 words. Not too bad. I am beating the per-day average of 1,667 words by about a 2-1 margin, and the fair Bebe has served as an excellent nemesis to compete against. I feel good about the way the plot is unfolding, and I am enjoying the banter between my characters. So far, it's been a major change of pace from last year. In 2008, I was writing a doctoral thesis. This year, it's an actual novel.

My Steve McNair jersey should be here in a few days, since it shipped today via priority USPS and is only coming from Los Angeles. I may have to make a photo post where I lay out all my jerseys; the collection is pretty extensive. Another item I am waiting for is my upgrade copy to Windows 7 (provided free via Dell for those ordering within a certain time frame), so I can dump Vista and its annoying constant stream of pop-ups asking me if I am sure I really want to run a program, upgrade a driver or in general do anything at all. Vista is all right, I suppose, but I am definitely looking forward to increased stability and wringing some more drops of horsepower out of Nemesis.

Oh, and I had a BSOD with the Alienware after installing a new set of display drivers, so thank God for Windows Restore Point software. Whew.

Got a few more days left on vacation, and it's been rather restful this week.

Night, all.

Addiction: It's A Beautiful Thing

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:43:41 GMT

I watched for a week and it all came crashing down tonight. I bought another sports jersey. Steve McNair Tenneessee Titans #9. Price in store: $220.00. My price: $39.95.

Thank you, Ebay. And thank you to my wife for putting up with my addiction.

Word count right now on Dead of Winter is 7,784. I'm having a glass of $60 per bottle wine to help my wife celebrate that one of her crappy co-workers got the axe today; my nickname for her was "The Emperess." I am enjoying The Proposal with my man Ryan Reynolds, and the reboot of V comes on tonight.

Wow, occasional tooth pain aside, this vacation is going well. How's your end of the 'verse today?

Day One Metrics

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:22:52 GMT

So today I finished the prologue chapter of Dead of Winter and also started the first chapter as well. I finished pretty close to 5,000 words, and I got a lot of football watching done, plus I showed up for a taping of Good Morning Sacramento at 8:30 or so this morning. You can see the story they ran on our group at this link, and I am the one in the red and white flannel shirt and the ponytail. Plus, they used Nemesis for the starting point of the video, so I had a good hitch of pride there. All in all, today was a good day.

Going to a write-in tomorrow and I'll play some Dan Patrick while chewing into the book. All in all, a good start.

Ooooh, It Be A Pretty

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 23:34:09 GMT

If anybody ever decided to make me this, they would instantly be promoted to Head of The Internet.

Here's a hotlinked pic:

(drool)

Untitled No. 1

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:38:38 GMT

Some people have been after me for a while now to post some original music, so here's one. Hopefully after the new year I will be able to use my new equipment to have a fully mixed MP3 with drums and bass, but for now, here's the bare-bones rhythm riffs. My wife did the taping and the composition is original and copyrighted so please, play if you like, but don't steal.

This one's for you, Elizabeth.

Plot Summary In 3, 2, 1...

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 04:55:34 GMT

I've been asked by some people what the plot is for this year's edition of National Novel Writing Month. Here's the sales pitch:

A grisly murder in Lake Tahoe draws the attention of a fledgling paranormal investigation team working on behalf of private interests and the United States government. The previous incarnation of the group met an unearthly fate at the hands of unknown gathering dark forces, and now it appears the team is in over their heads as the mystery darkens and the body count rises. Will the team even be able to save their own souls, much less those of the people they have sworn to defend?

That's the cover letter response. The pat answer I give people is that Dead of Winter is "part The X-Files, part Ghostbusters and part CSI... and deadly business." It's got ghosts, demons, serial killers, ritual torture, police procedure, skulduggery, smokescreens and general hellraising.

So yeah, that's my newest project.

Oh, and the laptop? It's apparently going to arrive on Friday. This Friday.

Life's good, my devoted peeps. Life's good.

It's A Good Thing

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:33:06 GMT

Jesus, almost a month since updating? Really?

Well, right now we're fostering three kittens that we're attempting to find homes for... I think this will come out as a positive push on the great wheel of karma for me, and I suspect that it's already beginning to pay positive dividends. Why, you ask? Two reasons:

1) My three literary torpedoes are still in the water, running hot and true, and have yet to be turned away from their prospective targets.

2) OMG MY NEW LAPTOP WILL ARRIVE ON MONDAY!11!1!!!!1!11

I've been using the same Dell Inspiron 6000 since about March 2004 and while I love it it to death and have done a lot of quality writing (he prayed devoutly) on its keys, time marches on and does with with a particularly heavy tread over electronics. I occasionally get the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death), the DVD-ROM drive does not always wish to eject discs and most distressingly, the sound is completely kaput. Not even headphones will work, my devoted peeps. In the last few months, I have gotten to experience a silent world via my Inspiron and... and quite honestly, it sucks.

Enter Nemesis.

It's an Alienware laptop, which means that not only is it dreadfully expensive, it will also play Doom 3 at speeds and graphic resolutions that previously I could only pray bitterly for. I love Doom 3. Loooooooove it, but unfortunately it requires more oomph than my wife's laptop can provide. The new model will have this in spades (drool), plus Microsoft Office (sweet), a sturdy-as-fuck alumnium chassis (hell yes) and glowing red backlit keys (positively deadly). Yes, it is aptly named. Nemesis, goddess of divine retribution. Oh, and with a Blu-ray DVD player.

It's my Christmas present, but I don't have to wait to open it up; it will be here in time for my vacation and therefore for National Novel Writing Month. When it was ordered, the build date was scheduled around the end of the month, something which past experience has taught us is usually off by about two weeks at the least.

This time, the time lapse is in our favor.

What's good in your life lately?

Keep Rolling

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 05:14:25 GMT

I know I said this space would next feature what else happened during our weekend, but I have a different report instead:

Another torpedo is in the water. The Phoenix Initiative has been submitted. That makes three novels--The Phoenix Initiative, Salvation and The Final Nine--that are now in the submission mix all at the same time.

Hell's bells, a good carpet bombing has to hit something sooner or later, right? ;)

Disaster Knows No Day Off

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 07:24:32 GMT

I had Friday off from work because Lady Jade and I were going to head down to Concord and spend the weekend with Mad Evil Chris. Among the events that would take place were a baseball game (Oakland A's versus the Cleveland Indians), my cherry-popping at the hands of the video game Guitar Hero, and probably a decent amount of alcohol abuse. Hey, maybe even the Oakland Raiders would win a game!

Getting Friday off was a smart move, in theory. It was a premeditated maneuver, one that would allow us to fit in a lot of extracurricular activities in addition to the drive down to the Bay Area. However, the will of the universe hates to be challenged, so I present with an alternately heavy and head-shaking heart, a special edition of Ups And Downs:

UP: We woke up with gladness in our hearts and Five Hour Energy in our veins to take on the day.

DOWN: We got a late start. Even though we woke up at about nine, we didn't actually get out of the house until almost eleven-thirty. I don't know if it was my fault... okay, it wasn't. I hate saying that, but it's true. At least we got a shower out of the bargain.

ALSO DOWN: One of the items needing to be addressed was to go to Kaiser and get a note from my doctor stating that I'd be unable to go to work on Tuesday because I'd be getting a stomach probe. Seriously. My doctor was out of the office for the next two days (naturally), the backup doctor was currently out of the officde because it was lunch or something (of course), and the lady running the front desk was being a bitch (shocking). We had to make plans to come back later in order to get my note (hopefully).

UP: The other part of my visit there, getting some blood drawn for the evil geniuses in the lab, went very smoothly. It eventually turned out that everything seemed normal on that front, so a two-for-one in the win column.

DOWN: Costco was our next port of call to get a tri-tip roast for grilling at the house before leaving for Chris'. We also needed gas, but the line was so grotesquely long we decided to get lunch first, because I was developing a noticeably amount of bitchiness.

UH-OH, DOWN: Lady Jade's pizza arrived accompanied by delicious looks and lovely scents. My own calzone showed up about fifteen minutes later (and seemingly an hour or so more in the frustration column), stuffed with regular sausage and not the spicy Italian variety I had ordered. Terribly disappointing product from a place that usually is five-star in the food department, and didn't help my already sour mood in the slightest bit.

UP: Grazing at Costco alleviated most of my seething anger, and we got a great deal on a lot of wine.

SURPRISINGLY, UP: My doctor's note was ready when we got back to Kaiser, I turned it in to the bummed-looking dispatcher at the bus company, and home we went for final packing and the grilling of the tri-tip.

HOLY FUCK, DOWN: Five minutes after the grill was lit, off it went. Lack of propane. Jesus. Off to the refilling place, and a check of the clock indicates it is now quarter past three. We should have been on the road three hours ago. The gods can be cruel.

UP, SORTA: The tri-tip turned out great, but that's a given. I take my grilling seriously. The final packing is done, we collect the cats and, oh yeah...

MAJOR DOWN: Although it's nice to be taking Hera the Brave One and Marcus the Backup Kitty down to Chris', we're doing it primarily because they're sick and we need to give them antibiotics twice a day. Specifically, my daughter Hera is the one who really needs the attention. They're good traveling companions, but the reason behind the necessity of bringing them doesn't sit well with me.

CATACLYSMIC DOWN: We're about forty minutes or so from Chris' house when OMG WE FORGOT THE FUCKING TICKETS! Lady Jade offers to drive back once we arrive at Chris' house and retrieve them herself. I'm tempted by this self-sacrificing offer, but there's no way I could allow her to do that because I'm not a shitty husband. We turn the Mighty Dodge around and head back to Sacramento.

SLIGHT UP: We take this opportunity to pick up a couple other items and a quick Taco Bell meal, because it's now 7:25 PM and if I hadn't gotten today off, we'd be leaving Sacramento about half an hour later than we currently are. This day has been a case study in Murphy's Law.

DOWN: After a pleasant (albeit shortened) evening, we retire to bed and the reason behind my doctor visit makes itself known again as I violently puke my guts out about an hour after bedding down.

Hell's bells, what a day. Day two report to follow later...

Legacy Of (Stomach) Brutality

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:05:02 GMT

So the tale of the tape in the doctor's office has revealed a very interesting factoid about myself: despite being an avowed horror movie fan, a dedicated follower of the Oakland Raiders and not having killed my in-laws yet, I have been diagnosed with a "weak stomach."

You'd think the Raider thing alone would prove I have a gut of cast-iron, wouldn't you? Well, you'd be wrong. What I actually have is a slow digestive tract, and I got to find this out by going to my local Kaiser branch and eating irradiated scrambled eggs, whereupon their progress of lack thereof were then tracked through my digestive tract for the next two hours. In case you were wondering, the eggs were horrible. Not even cafeteria eggs... lab eggs. Most likely some kind of experiment gone awry. The substandard speed with which they traveled through told them that they were dealing with a person whose stomach just doesn't run at the speed it should.

What does this mean in practical terms? Well, several things. First of all, I should be eating several small meals throughout the course of the day rather than two whopper meals the way normal Americans do. This is actually a blessing in disguise, because eating in this way actually speeds up the metabolism of your body, making it much easier to lose weight.

Incidentally, since we're on that disagreeable subject... 209 pounds. Seriously. That is so fucking far from being okay that I can't even really begin to wrap my head around it all. Being 5;9" and 209 pounds is unacceptable. Totally unacceptable.

Anyway, on to point number two of my new health plan, which is that the last meal of the night I eat should be something both fairly easy to digest and should also give my stomach a nice coating to fight off stomach acid. What's the meal of choice? CEREAL! Yes, I have slogged through all I have gone through so I can chow down like a little kid. While we're being honest, though, I have to admit that once again, this is actually fairly okay. See, I happen to really like cereal, it's a very cost-effective meal and I get to have a desert as well. Vanilla almond Special K followed up by Cocoa Krispies equals YUM. So once again, not too bad.

Point three sucks, though. Carbonation is bad, so that means... nighttime beer is a no-no. Nooooooooo! What will I do without my beer, that thing which usually keeps me from murdering my in-laws?

Well, I'm not a wi-no... I'm a wi-yes! Wine has no carbonation, less of an acid content than hard liquor and goes well with cheese. It's also tasty and gives a nice, mellow buzz, so there you go.

I'll let you know how my health plan goes but thus far, after two days I have had zero bad spells whereas before I had three out of four nights with the night pukes. I guess something must be working.

Peace.

Look Who Joined Our Household

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 05:18:17 GMT

I promised a picture of Hera, and now it has been delivered.

She is sweet. Definitely a Daddy's Girl.

Dark? Like Midnight In A Coal Mine, Baby.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:29:34 GMT

Last night I went to be about 9:30 PM or so; an hour later, I was yarking my guts into the Porcelain Throne. That's right, the return of the dreaded Night Pukes strikes again. Once that was done I weaved my way back to bed and fell into a sodden sleep...

...which was not interrupted at the God-awful hour of 5:00 AM by the alarm clock. See, I had set the alarm for that time, but mistakenly had calibrated it for PM rather than AM. So when I stared blearily at the time of 5:32 AM, I immediately realized that with a checkout time on my bus of not a second later than 6:04 AM, I was going to need to grow a rocket between my ass cheeks in order to get to work on time.

Thankfully the coffee was already brewed up and I was able to get to work on time, but I felt awful all morning. I'm not going to my second half and am in fact going to see my doctor about this, because this problem was supposed to be handled and when I described how I was feeling, I was asked a serfies of questions that I have never been posed before and quite frankly worried me. Things like, "Have you recently had an organ transplant?" and "Are you currently undergoing chemotherapy?"

Gulp.

Oh, and I also got shot down again on the submission front, so booooooo to that as well.

Basically, today blows. I hope it's going better for you.

UPDATE: Uh-oh. This may be more serious than I thought. Not to go all TMI here, but the solidity of what I threw up (it was like barfing out an old Dungeons & Dragons gelatinous cube monster) and the fact that it only seems to happen at night may mean that my stomach is not digesting at the rate it should. It could also have something to do with my liver. When I went to the doctor today, I had some blood drawn for analysis at the lab, which in itself is a highly unamusing process. Lurking in the future is eating irradiated food and seeing how long it takes to leave various parts of my digestive system. Not as painful, but potentially more ominous for what it may reveal.

Man, this is not good. Not at all.

Happy Anniversary! And Serious Loserness!

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:14:40 GMT

Lady Jade and I have been married for six years as of today. I love you, honey. Thank you for the best years of my life.

On another note entirely, Mad Evil Chris and I have renewed our annual bet concerning our respective NFL teams, the St. Louis Rams for him, the Oakland Raiders for myself. Whoever has their team finish with a better record (the "winner") will then get from their opponent (henceforth referred to as "the loser, loser, loser") the spoils of war, which in this case is a large box of TGI Friday's Buffalo Wings and a six-pack of whatever beer they desire.

I use quotation marks around the appellations of "winner" and "the loser, loser, loser" because of the tiebreaking formula used. Both of us predicted what our team's final record is going to be; in the event of a tie by our franchises, the winner will be determined by who was closer to their team's final record. We picked as follows:

CHRIS: says the St. Louis Rams will finish with a 4-12 record.

JESSE: says the Oakland Raiders will finish with a 5-11 record.

So actually, going with the amount of faith we seem to have in our teams, there doesn't seem to be any winners this year.